I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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