farters have to be the big spoon...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
