If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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