She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
