Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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