My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
