my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
