that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
