My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
