she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
