Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
