its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I AM VODKA MAN
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
