I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
