just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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