You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
