The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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