I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have feelings that need drinking.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
