It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
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Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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