In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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