Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
