Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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