Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
