On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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