So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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