Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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