I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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