so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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