How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Please, let me fuck your mom
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
