How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
