Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize