there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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