More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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