Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
