can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
