thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
