nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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