you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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