nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
