I'm going to jail i love you
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
