You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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