She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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