remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
