I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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