yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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