I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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