I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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