I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
