she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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