i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
