I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
