I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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