making cat noises will not fix the situation.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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