I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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