you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
