i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Is it penis luge time yet?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
