I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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